the flow of inner being

Discovery of inner flow

Since a while I am thinking to write something.. as we made this web page.. I have to write something.. ahaa.. I don’t know where to start ??  writing for me is very difficulty.. first my English is so bad especially in writing. So don’t mind too much It will be like a nepali-english writing !!!  but I will give a try.
Well I have been into meditation since I was a small child. My grandfather was my first master who introduce me meditation when I was 4 years old.  My grandfather used to make sculpture of Buddha. And of course  he used  to tell me the story of Buddha and his wisdom so on.  What I remember is when I was naughty.. then he used to say now it is time to be wise.. so I immediately sitdown in Buddha position and remain for a while .
When I was teenager I was still looking something or somebody to find master where I can learn meditation. I was reading all kinds of books whatever I can find about meditation and spritual stuff. One day  my uncle saw me while I was painting, and he told me why don’t you learn more about art with one of my friend who is artist ? So I say OK that’s a good idea and he introduced me to him..  then days passed and he shows me how to paint here and there but most of time we were talking all kinds spiritual stuff..  I  was anyhow reading all kinds of spiritual book so I was pretty good to argue with him . one day while we are talking suddenly he stand and went away and after a while he come back with a book.  He said for your quest, this book might be very helpful !!  it was small thin paper book of my master.  Just seeing his picture I felt so good inside of me.. as if I knew him since long time. A big relief inside that I have found the mater.
This is the start of my inner journey..  I was just over joy to feel that I found the master.  I went to city and look all over the shop whether I can find any book of him..  after looking 4 to 5 hrs.. finally I found 2 books.  I used to read day and night only this book !!!
Another incident happened after few month , One morning I was sleeping and hear  such a sweet voice in other room.. I was so wondering who is he… so I get up  knock the door … it was my master discourse in cassettes. I was just shock from the coincidence.. that my step mother borrowed from the center. This was another big moment that I found the center started listening his discourses and do meditation.
When I was 18 years old, I went to poona. There  I saw my master for the first time. wowwo!!!
After sannyas I went back to family.. with mala with his photo and yellow clothes.. it was very good drama in family .. everybody was upset  which was normal but my love for my master was greater than anything in this world. so i keep looking more and more possibility how to be with him. I stayed with him more or less 8 years in Poona.
During this period. I was working as many things.. some time in kitchen and painting and last 5 years as bodyworker  and  giving session and give training reflexology so on.. and enjoying the ashram life. I was not aware that how much he had take care and protected to me from behind , Now I see it was very much step by step he was preparing me and my sensitivity.  But that time he never give me any juice directly.

sannyasSome time I used to wonder why he never say anything or give any advice what to do ? I used to pray that please give me some guideline but nothing… Where all other my friend therapist who was working same department get all kind of present and advice so on.. it was not so comfortable for my ego pheww!!!

The day my master left his body.. that was a turning point inside of me.  I still remember… I was in session it was 3 clock.. while I was giving a session I was feeling very tired and uneasiness… I thought may be I am taking too negative energy from the person.. so I just did not mind so much..  after that we had meeting of all therapist..   so  while we were in the meeting somebody was talking about healing stuff..suddenly  I felt I am going to have heart attack.. I had such a pain in my chest….. I almost collapsed. But I hold myself hard as much as possible and not to collapse.. slowly the sharp pain went away after breathing slowely and pressing all the point I can see  in my hand.. and I started to feel very strange.. as if some body is inside of me  a sort of that kind funny feeling.., I only knew next morning that master has left body yesterday around 5 pm. But one things was strange happened to me I was not sad at all.. I was more relief that he does not need to suffer in his fragile body anymore..  it was shock but I did not miss him as his presence.
This strange feeling of sweet pain over my heart areas remain always. I had many strange experience of energy many time during meditation or during session time but I was not sure what the hell going on.   I was learning craniosacral and practicing many years..  well once in a while I had experience very unusual rhythm. The craniosacral is the most subtle body work.. the rhythm of craniosacral is to expand and contract…and in between there is short gap, but I used to feel it is in circle.  So I was wondering what and how ??? we never heard and told that  cranio rhythm is in circle.. well that time I just say this might me my imagination.. so on ..

sudipBut the experience of this strange feeling and the rhythm is stronger more and more so I see something is going on inside of me…  one morning   in the years of 1993 , when I was waking up.. I feel something is flowing inside me so strong so as if I put my feet in current of water .. it was not my imagination. Something was happened to me. The very flow of energy was painful but same time it was feeling so good, after a period of time, it slowly cool down and the energy start to be more soft. 
  I feel at ease with myself I have found something more than me.. this very flow of rhythm which is always there inside of me.. that i called oshorhythm. This is all his blessings. since 15 years passed I am keep understanding and discovering the mystery of his rhythm.. still I feel I am just seeing the tip of iceberg !!!!

with love...

swami sudip